Wednesday, August 19, 2009 @ 6:24 AM
PENS AND PAPERS .
I don't really care what people thinks or say about me . Maybe i do but certain things , i just can't be bothered . I can be nice but people can't expect me to be nice to everyone right . It's not like i have a choice or something . We started as being friends . I never thought you'll end up having feelings for me . Even if it's just a small feelings , it does matters . When you confessed to me , i couldn't say anything . But how can it be possible for me to be friends with you again when i don't feel comfortable ? I simply don't like it whenever you try to seek attention from me . I may be nice but it doesn't mean i won't hurt you . I guess i have to be straightforward . It's good that i hurt you now then later on . For the time being , i don't feel that there's a need for us to be closed friends .
I just can't express my feelings through words . I can only express it through pens and papers . You may think i'm not serious or whatever shit but seriously , i am . It's going to be one year but still , that feelings is still inside my heart . It just won't go away and i'm wondering why . What more can i say ? Basically , nothing . All i hoped for is a miracle to happen . Now , my mind is full of things . I just don't know what to do . I've expressed my feelings and it's up to you now .I can't force you and i won't pester you either . I don't mind us being friends but if you're going to avoid me then things will start to change for the bad . I don't know whether i should move on or wait for you . Either one , i'll still get hurt . But what if i say i'm not scared ? What if i say i'm much more happier being with you despite all the pain ? I keep on thinking about you and it makes me miss you even more . But how am i suppose to know what's in your heart ? I'm clueless , seriously . I know time is running out but i've tried my best . I'll just have to wait for 13th october and i hope you'll make it .
I don't think i want to regard you as my friend . What does friends means ? Basically , friends should be there when you need them . Friends should bother to ask you whether you're okay or not . Friends should try their best to text you no matter how busy they are . Friends should make you happy almost all the time . Friends should understand what's in your heart . Friends should know whether you're feeling down or whatsoever . Well , you can say that we're friends but the thing is , you're not treating me like one . You say we're just friends because you don't like being too closed because you say like flirt . Up to you laa kan . There's nothing else i can say . I'm tired of trying to convince people . I just can't be bothered .
I don't really care what people thinks or say about me . Maybe i do but certain things , i just can't be bothered . I can be nice but people can't expect me to be nice to everyone right . It's not like i have a choice or something . We started as being friends . I never thought you'll end up having feelings for me . Even if it's just a small feelings , it does matters . When you confessed to me , i couldn't say anything . But how can it be possible for me to be friends with you again when i don't feel comfortable ? I simply don't like it whenever you try to seek attention from me . I may be nice but it doesn't mean i won't hurt you . I guess i have to be straightforward . It's good that i hurt you now then later on . For the time being , i don't feel that there's a need for us to be closed friends .
I just can't express my feelings through words . I can only express it through pens and papers . You may think i'm not serious or whatever shit but seriously , i am . It's going to be one year but still , that feelings is still inside my heart . It just won't go away and i'm wondering why . What more can i say ? Basically , nothing . All i hoped for is a miracle to happen . Now , my mind is full of things . I just don't know what to do . I've expressed my feelings and it's up to you now .I can't force you and i won't pester you either . I don't mind us being friends but if you're going to avoid me then things will start to change for the bad . I don't know whether i should move on or wait for you . Either one , i'll still get hurt . But what if i say i'm not scared ? What if i say i'm much more happier being with you despite all the pain ? I keep on thinking about you and it makes me miss you even more . But how am i suppose to know what's in your heart ? I'm clueless , seriously . I know time is running out but i've tried my best . I'll just have to wait for 13th october and i hope you'll make it .
I don't think i want to regard you as my friend . What does friends means ? Basically , friends should be there when you need them . Friends should bother to ask you whether you're okay or not . Friends should try their best to text you no matter how busy they are . Friends should make you happy almost all the time . Friends should understand what's in your heart . Friends should know whether you're feeling down or whatsoever . Well , you can say that we're friends but the thing is , you're not treating me like one . You say we're just friends because you don't like being too closed because you say like flirt . Up to you laa kan . There's nothing else i can say . I'm tired of trying to convince people . I just can't be bothered .
Maybe it's you all this while .
Saturday, August 15, 2009 @ 6:44 AM
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY KHAIRIL !
legal age laa seyh . hahaha . well , wish you all the best in everything that you do . smiles (:
childhood memories .Sometimes , i do miss my childhood memories . Times seems to pass by so fast . How i wished i could turn back the time , i'll be very happy . Perhaps if it happens , i'll be able to change certain things . But then , i still love things the way they are now . Except for certain things . I don't like people telling me that they like me or whatsoever cause i don't want to hurt people anymore . I don't want to feel hurt anymore . Well , i know i'm being kinda unfair but i just want to live my life . I don't want to be in a relationship and get myself hurt for nothing , simply nothing . I don't regret for whatever that has happened . What's the point of regretting over things that has happened . It only makes myself feel bad . In fact , i shouldn't be regretting because things happen for a reason . Maybe there's something behind all this . Anw , now i and him are just friends . I'm glad that we can still be friends cause to me , friendships means more than relationship . Well , i've moved on and so , i don't want to think about the past . I just want to continue with my life because there's still a long way to go . All i can do is to be there for him when he needs me . But i'm sure that he'll do just fine .
For the time being , i don't wish to meet someone . Well , i do treat him as a friend but nothing more than that . I don't want to have any misunderstanding between the two of us . And i don't want him to like me cause i don't wish to spoil this friendship . I admit i'm trying my best to avoid him cause i don't want him to be too close to me . I don't want him to have the wrong thinking . I don't have any feelings for him , that's the only thing that i want to make it clear to him . I don't like it when he tries to seek attention from me . I know he'll be reading my blog so i hope he understands if i avoid him .
Currently i miss my bestie . Wondering why he hasn't been replying my msgs . Well , he seems to know everything . I don't why he's so special to me . Only he understands me inside out . He's able to bear with all my craps and nonsense . Having him around makes my day more cheerful and happier . I don't know what he did that made me get glued to him . Seriously , i don't . But i really want to know what's in his heart . Eventhough he's hurt me so much , i'm nort mad at him . Not even a little . Amazing huh . Well , maybe because he's special . I really love this friendship . I don't want to lose him . He really make me happy because he allows me to disturb him . I can even be sarcastic to him .
Somehow , i miss the past . Both friendship and relationship . Things just seem to be different . People started changing . Things started to go wrong . All those memories , sometimes flashes through my mind . Thinking about it , i feel so useless . It's like i'm only able to look at all those things happening but i'm not able to do anything about it . I know that i'm always being too king to people . Even my closest friends said so . But that's me . No matter how much i try to be angry with someone , it can only last for 3 days . Even if i don't talk to him or her for a week or more than that , it's because my heart doesn't want to and not cause i'm angry with him or her . It's a sad thing that only a bunch of people are able to appreciate my kindness instead of taking advantage of it . It makes me feel so weak . I don't think i can bear it if another person comes and take advantage of my kindness . I just don't know why i'm like this . Maybe i'm born to have a heart like this . No wonder Afiq calls me 'kampung girl' cause i'm a nice girl . Well , maybe to him i'm a kampung girl . But i don't know if i'm a kampung girl to the people out there . Different people have their own opinions about me . One thing about me is that i can't stop trusting people . Even if they've never been truthful to me , not even once , i can still continue to believe that person . Well , this is who i am . I believe that everyone deserves a second chance . It doesn't matter how bad or good they were before . It's the things that the person do that makes him or her someone different . Everyone have a heart and a brain . Everyone have their own strength and weaknessess . Nobody is perfect . Thus , we should appreciate a person for who they are .
For the time being , i don't wish to meet someone . Well , i do treat him as a friend but nothing more than that . I don't want to have any misunderstanding between the two of us . And i don't want him to like me cause i don't wish to spoil this friendship . I admit i'm trying my best to avoid him cause i don't want him to be too close to me . I don't want him to have the wrong thinking . I don't have any feelings for him , that's the only thing that i want to make it clear to him . I don't like it when he tries to seek attention from me . I know he'll be reading my blog so i hope he understands if i avoid him .
Currently i miss my bestie . Wondering why he hasn't been replying my msgs . Well , he seems to know everything . I don't why he's so special to me . Only he understands me inside out . He's able to bear with all my craps and nonsense . Having him around makes my day more cheerful and happier . I don't know what he did that made me get glued to him . Seriously , i don't . But i really want to know what's in his heart . Eventhough he's hurt me so much , i'm nort mad at him . Not even a little . Amazing huh . Well , maybe because he's special . I really love this friendship . I don't want to lose him . He really make me happy because he allows me to disturb him . I can even be sarcastic to him .
Somehow , i miss the past . Both friendship and relationship . Things just seem to be different . People started changing . Things started to go wrong . All those memories , sometimes flashes through my mind . Thinking about it , i feel so useless . It's like i'm only able to look at all those things happening but i'm not able to do anything about it . I know that i'm always being too king to people . Even my closest friends said so . But that's me . No matter how much i try to be angry with someone , it can only last for 3 days . Even if i don't talk to him or her for a week or more than that , it's because my heart doesn't want to and not cause i'm angry with him or her . It's a sad thing that only a bunch of people are able to appreciate my kindness instead of taking advantage of it . It makes me feel so weak . I don't think i can bear it if another person comes and take advantage of my kindness . I just don't know why i'm like this . Maybe i'm born to have a heart like this . No wonder Afiq calls me 'kampung girl' cause i'm a nice girl . Well , maybe to him i'm a kampung girl . But i don't know if i'm a kampung girl to the people out there . Different people have their own opinions about me . One thing about me is that i can't stop trusting people . Even if they've never been truthful to me , not even once , i can still continue to believe that person . Well , this is who i am . I believe that everyone deserves a second chance . It doesn't matter how bad or good they were before . It's the things that the person do that makes him or her someone different . Everyone have a heart and a brain . Everyone have their own strength and weaknessess . Nobody is perfect . Thus , we should appreciate a person for who they are .
I miss my bestie .
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 @ 3:33 AM
PAPERHEARTS.
Today had maths paper 2 and history paper.
Maths paper 2 was quite okay , i guess.
But for me, history was abit better because i studied for it.
Well , not really studied laa but i did remember a few factors.
And that helps me to answer one of the essay.
Paper ended at 12.25pm .
Went to mcdonald's and started doing my DNT cause i had to pass it up by today at 4pm.
Afiq was talking nonsense the whole time but i wasn't bothered by him.
I was really concentrating on my DNT.
Dinah was his victim.
She had to entertain all his craps and nonsense.
Tomorrow have DNT paper and it ends at 9.30am .
I don't know what to study for the paper but i hope i can do the paper.
clueless and going dumb .
I've finally awaken from this dream of mine. I couldn't think of any other way but to stop contacting you. But i know that you'll find for me one day. Just on a particular day when you really need me. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. You say that you're jealous when you see me with other guys. Well, so am i. I'm jealous too when i see you with other girls but what can i possibly do. You're not my boyf. You're just a friend of mine, bestfriend i mean. It's sad that we don't seem to get along well anymore. I would get angry or mad. I'll just go with the flow because i'm sick and tired of trying to make things better but people don't seem to appreciate. Instead they blame it on me. Go on, live your life. I'm not going to stop your way. But if you find me being rude to you, don't say so because for the past 2 years, i've been nice to you but you don't seem to appreciate. I just wonder why when i'm being nice, people don't seem to notice but when i'm being harsh or rude, people will tend to notice. I don't want to have any hopes in you anymore because i don't want to get hurt. I just want to live my life and be happy with my loved ones. I want to treasure and cherish every moment before it's gone. I don't want to regret it later on. Now, there's only two things on my mind. To be friends with you or to stay away from you for the time being. Hmm, i really don't know. It seems so hard for me to decide. Maybe i should just go with the flow. Well, time is running out. If i have to make a move , i think i better make it now cause i don't have much time. I won't say that i'm angry or mad at you because truthfully, i'm not. In fact, why should i be mad at you. I guess i just need time to get over my feelings towards you.
Today had maths paper 2 and history paper.
Maths paper 2 was quite okay , i guess.
But for me, history was abit better because i studied for it.
Well , not really studied laa but i did remember a few factors.
And that helps me to answer one of the essay.
Paper ended at 12.25pm .
Went to mcdonald's and started doing my DNT cause i had to pass it up by today at 4pm.
Afiq was talking nonsense the whole time but i wasn't bothered by him.
I was really concentrating on my DNT.
Dinah was his victim.
She had to entertain all his craps and nonsense.
Tomorrow have DNT paper and it ends at 9.30am .
I don't know what to study for the paper but i hope i can do the paper.
clueless and going dumb .
Sunday, August 9, 2009 @ 8:50 PM
TRYING REAL HARD .
These few days, pictures of you run through my mind. It's like i could only think of you. For a moment, i thought the world stop moving. But it was my mind that's spinning round and round. I couldn't get you out of my mind. I texted you and waited for your reply but i didn't receive any. Maybe you're no longer the person that i used to know 2 years back. Is it me who doesn't seem to recognise you or is it you who doesn't seem to recognise me ? Well, i've tried my best. I tired moving on but it's just so hard. Thoughts of you keep playing in my mind. I can even go daydreaming about you. Sometimes, tears can run down my cheeks while i'm thinking about you. How much more sad can i get. Seriously, i'm clueless. I thought i managed to forget about you and move on by treating you just as a friend and nort more than that. But when he did that to me, i came to think of you. I thought he would treat me much better than you but i guess i was wrong. He doesn't seem to understand me at all. How hurt can it get. I tried my best to understand him but it didn't turn out well. In fact, i get the blame. Everything is my fault. I can't do this, i can't do that but he can. It's just not fair. Those words that he promised me, it's all just plain empty words. Right from the start, i knew all this would happen but i tried to throw that thought away. I didn't want my thoughts to take the best of me. But then, i allowed him to control me and bring me down. Now, it's hard for me to get up again. I admit i miss you but what can i possibly do. I guess you no longer care. I know that if i don't make the effort to text you, you'll slowly forget about me without you noticing it. I make the effort but still, you don't bother to reply. Maybe i mean nothing to you. But if that is the case, then why everytime i have someone else, you'll come finding for me. But when i need you, you'll go away, trying to avoid me. I simply don't understand you. I don't even know what you want from me. Can't i be happy too ? Can't i enjoy life too ? I just wish i didn't took that step. Now, i have to start all over again. But you're not there for me, not even as a friend. Sometimes i wonder, will i ever get to be with you again. I know i shouldn't be thinking about it but i just miss you. One day, you'll surely forget about me, even as a friend. Even now, you don't seem to notice me. Will i be invisible to you soon ? Or maybe i already am. You want me to go to sec 5 but the thing is, i've decided not to contact you after my 'N' level. So, even if i go to sec 5, i won't contact you anymore. I've already told you since the start of January and now, you're saying that who doesn't want to contact who. So, what do you expect me to do ? Take back my words ? Even if i take back my words, will it make a difference if you still don't reply to my messages. It doesn't right. I told you over the phone that i'll treat you to a movie after my 'N' level. I'll keep to my words and i hope you do too because everytime i ask you out, you say you can make it but in the end, you cannot make it. I guess i should be moving on now. I can't get stucked here. I have to take a step forward to discover new things. Either one of us will have to make a move and so, i've decided to make the move. I don't wish to forget about you but i have to. I'll still treat you as a friend but only after i've managed to fully let go of my feelings towards you.
Now, i seem to understand everything. Your words, it all meant nothing. Simply nothing at all. You don't seem to care for what's in my heart. You only know how to compare but never to understand. You always say i'm talking nonsense. For your info, i didn't talk nonsense. It's real cause my heart knows that it's going to happen. My heart never fails. Whatever my heart says, it's always right. You say your heart can tell you things even before they happen. Well so can my heart. But it's proven that mine is stronger than yours because your predictions weren't right like mine. So if one day you come to realise your mistakes and start to have that guilt in your heart, don't bother finding for me. You said that we can still be closed friends but i know we won't and it really turn out that we're not cause we're not even friends so how can we possibly be closed friends. Just because you have someone else that you can rely on, you forget about me. You don't even care if i'm there or not. Go on, go your own way. I'm not stopping you. In fact, i've never stopped you from doing what you want to do. So don't say i'm being unfair. I've never compared you to anyone. It's you who loves to compare. You just can't accept the fact that different people leads a different kind of relationship. Well, i have a little advice for you. Treat people the way you want to be treated and stop comparing cause it may hurt others. Don't tell people what they can do and what they cannot do because it's their life. Even if that person is your girlfriend, you can't possibly stop her from messaging other guys when you yourself is messaging other girls. Reflect yourself in the mirror before reflecting others. And please , learn to understand others.
Now, i seem to understand everything. Your words, it all meant nothing. Simply nothing at all. You don't seem to care for what's in my heart. You only know how to compare but never to understand. You always say i'm talking nonsense. For your info, i didn't talk nonsense. It's real cause my heart knows that it's going to happen. My heart never fails. Whatever my heart says, it's always right. You say your heart can tell you things even before they happen. Well so can my heart. But it's proven that mine is stronger than yours because your predictions weren't right like mine. So if one day you come to realise your mistakes and start to have that guilt in your heart, don't bother finding for me. You said that we can still be closed friends but i know we won't and it really turn out that we're not cause we're not even friends so how can we possibly be closed friends. Just because you have someone else that you can rely on, you forget about me. You don't even care if i'm there or not. Go on, go your own way. I'm not stopping you. In fact, i've never stopped you from doing what you want to do. So don't say i'm being unfair. I've never compared you to anyone. It's you who loves to compare. You just can't accept the fact that different people leads a different kind of relationship. Well, i have a little advice for you. Treat people the way you want to be treated and stop comparing cause it may hurt others. Don't tell people what they can do and what they cannot do because it's their life. Even if that person is your girlfriend, you can't possibly stop her from messaging other guys when you yourself is messaging other girls. Reflect yourself in the mirror before reflecting others. And please , learn to understand others.
So sick of all this pain .
Wednesday, August 5, 2009 @ 3:13 AM
A STEP FORWARD , LEADING TO SOMETHING NEW .
hopes are hopes .
wishes are wishes .
dreams are dreams .
if only i am able to rewind back th time , i would stop all this from happening .
why did you have to ask me that qn .
why cnt we just continue being frends , then i bet it won't turn out this way .
things are different now .
you dnt even care whether i'm your frend or nort .
you promised me lots of things but you never did mean it .
its all just words , plain empty words .
all you knw is to compare & nort care for wht's in my heart .
whenever i let out my feelings , you blamed me instead of understanding wht's in my heart .
maybe its my fault , maybe i've hurt you or offended you but you dnt have to hurt me this way .
how much it hurts , you dnt knw cause you never care to knw .
i thot you're much more betta than him but you prove me wrong .
now , wht more cn i say .
i admit it hurts but i'll get over it pretty soon .
school was suckish today .
had SS & maths prelim paper one .
SS was effing suckish .
i didn't have time to finish th paper .
idk why i was doing th paper so damn slow .
my mind was working so slowly . DAMN .
maths paper one wasn't good either , didn't have time to finish th paper either .
but luckily my calculator didn't get on my nerves .
i bet i won't make it , hell yeah .
aft paper , went to mcdonald's with dinah & lily .
met afiq & th others there .
th others went home & afiq joined us .
& guess wht , we talked crap man .
we laughed our hearts out siaa .
afiq was so damn funny .
he talked bout his godbrother .
& walaoweii , afiq like gay siol .
OMG , hahah .
we had our own school name .
mine was CAMPBELL SOUP PRIMARY SCHOOL .
lily's was "CERET BERET" PRIMARY SCHOOL .
dinah's was CRANBERRY PRIMARY SCHOOL .
lily's one was damn awful siaa .
lily kene rabakk gile siots , takleyh angs .
seriously , i need something refreshing .
hopes are hopes .
wishes are wishes .
dreams are dreams .
if only i am able to rewind back th time , i would stop all this from happening .
why did you have to ask me that qn .
why cnt we just continue being frends , then i bet it won't turn out this way .
things are different now .
you dnt even care whether i'm your frend or nort .
you promised me lots of things but you never did mean it .
its all just words , plain empty words .
all you knw is to compare & nort care for wht's in my heart .
whenever i let out my feelings , you blamed me instead of understanding wht's in my heart .
maybe its my fault , maybe i've hurt you or offended you but you dnt have to hurt me this way .
how much it hurts , you dnt knw cause you never care to knw .
i thot you're much more betta than him but you prove me wrong .
now , wht more cn i say .
i admit it hurts but i'll get over it pretty soon .
school was suckish today .
had SS & maths prelim paper one .
SS was effing suckish .
i didn't have time to finish th paper .
idk why i was doing th paper so damn slow .
my mind was working so slowly . DAMN .
maths paper one wasn't good either , didn't have time to finish th paper either .
but luckily my calculator didn't get on my nerves .
i bet i won't make it , hell yeah .
aft paper , went to mcdonald's with dinah & lily .
met afiq & th others there .
th others went home & afiq joined us .
& guess wht , we talked crap man .
we laughed our hearts out siaa .
afiq was so damn funny .
he talked bout his godbrother .
& walaoweii , afiq like gay siol .
OMG , hahah .
we had our own school name .
mine was CAMPBELL SOUP PRIMARY SCHOOL .
lily's was "CERET BERET" PRIMARY SCHOOL .
dinah's was CRANBERRY PRIMARY SCHOOL .
lily's one was damn awful siaa .
lily kene rabakk gile siots , takleyh angs .
seriously , i need something refreshing .
