; fidd oh fidd .

2009-11-12T04:10:00.000-08:00

i just wanna walk straight and not bother about what

is going on around me .

i can't seem to talk sense right now . so many things are bothering my mind . if you think i'm at fault then i won't argue . i only care for you as a friend . if you're having problems , why don't you share it with me ? i thot we're like sisters to each other . i may nort know what you're going through right now but does it mean that you can change ? does changing even make your problems lighten a little ? neh , i don't think so . when i closed my eyes , the past memories makes me cry . did i accidentally went wrong somewhere ? i really don't know . now , my heart is sinking deeply . i really don't know what to do . i feel like going far far away where i get some peace . seriously , i'm kinda fucked up . my body is feeling so weak . i just wish i could make things better . well , maybe i ain't a good friend after all . if i've hurt you then i'm sorry . yeah , i shouldn't have said a thing about the way you dress or whatsoever because it's your life . you live it , nort me . i guess i can't say anything much because we don't get along anymore . maybe it's my fault . maybe i did something wrong without noticing it . but honestly , i miss the old you . those laughter and joy that we shared , i kinda miss those moments . i wasn't trying to control you at all . if you think i am then i'm really sorry .

lily , i don't know what's wrong with you these few days . your actions makes me feel kinda guilty . i know you hate him but is it wrong for me to be friends with him ? i don't understand , i simply don't . why look at him just by his appearance ? i'm nort siding him but it's the fact . try putting yourself in his shoes , what would you feel if someone says that he/she doesn't see a good person in you ? you don't even know him . you just judge him by his looks . it's nort fair for him , nort at all . you can't even explain why you hate him . what is that suppose to mean anyway ? seriously , it's making my head spinning round and round . i don't know what to do . i can't please everyone . well , if i did something wrong , i'm sorry .

i hate it , i simply do . the past keeps on haunting me . i'm trying hard to move on but it's just too hard . i'm hurting myself , i know that but what can i possibly do ? you're already 3 months with her but me , i'm still stucked at the same spot . you tell me you still love me but at the same time , you also love her . how is it possible ? maybe it is possible but it wouldn't be equal . whenever i look at you , i'll remember the past . the past that makes me feel like everything is so perfect . for a moment , it made me go on a little journey . now , i'm trying to heal my broken heart . taping it with anything i could . but it doesn't seem to help . i'm just clueless .

waiting for pay , going to buy new handphone :D
and next month , i'll be buying a skateboard :)

2009-10-30T22:09:00.000-07:00

BBQ at east coast .

at last , farahin uploaded the pichares .
have been waiting for it .

heen elfenzo .

silly yaneey .

heen elfenzo and t.m.i .

superfidd .

labels : miss all the great fun .
perhaps , it's time to move forward .

2009-10-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

no longer around me ; it's almost gone .

as i try stepping on a new stone , it seems like something's pulling me back .
i'm nort shure whether it's trying to stop me from moving forward or it wants me to keep holding on .
efforts have been made , lots of it but nothing's changing .
feel like giving up or perhaps , i've already given up .
i gave you my trust .
i treat you as my bestfriend and you're like a sister to me .
i respect you and i respect your decisions .
whenever your mood swings , i just kept quiet because i know you well .
when you don't have the mood , no one can advice you or tell you to do something .
you have a strong will and also you're good at standing up for yourself .
but since the day you joined the dance group , i had this feeling in my heart .
a feeling which tells me that i'm going to lose you .
i never believe it until today .
because i treat you as my bestfriend , i tell you what i feel about you changing .
i don't mind you being angry with me or whatsoever .
but i guess i have the right to voice out .
i'm nort saying that i'm perfect because no one is .
in fact , i'm nowhere near perfect .
you told me that l*** uses words that contradicts herself but what about you ?
i'm nort trying to be sarcastic but i'm just saying the fact .
you can easily tell me that people change .
but when we say about people changing , it usually means changing to become bad .
since it's that way , what if everyone in this world change , who will be good then ?
well , i really don't know what to say .
you've changed alot , inside out .
now , i've given up .
if you think you're right so be it .
i won't say anything .
i won't go against you .
as long as it makes you happy , i'm fine with it .

labels : i miss the old you .

2009-10-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

FEELINGS UNDIVIDED.

Things ain't the same no more . Nothing is left for me to say . It's beyond what i expected . It just happened way too fast . Words are unspoken . Question are left with no answers to it . Trying real hard to cling on but it just keeps pushing me . No words can describe how much i care for you . You told me ; let the past be the past . It's okay , i can accept that . In fact , it makes me feel more relief cause maybe that's the thing that i want to hear from me . Sometimes , my thots make me think . Maybe it's meant to be this way . Maybe it's just nort right for us to continue being friends . But still , i believe that there's a reason to it . I kept believing that things will change . I have hopes on you , just too much hopes that make me so hurt easily . I'm nort jealous of you being with her . Instead i pity you . She doesn't even treat you like you're her boyf . She's entertaining her guy friend but nort you . Is it fair for you ? Well , i don't think so . I know that everybody wants to be happy . Only idiotic people doesn't want to be happy . If possible , everybody want to get what they wish for . But underneath it all , sacrifices have to be made . Sometimes , we have to sacrifice for the people we love but they may nort see it . However , it doesn't mean that they don't appreciate . Maybe they're just too busy to notice it . I'm able to accept the way you treat me . I'm able to accept the fact that you belong to someone else . But i'm just nort able to forget about everything . But i know that i have to sooner or later . I can't get stucked to you forever . If you can be happy , i want to be happy too . I've tried everything that i could do but nothing's working . I can't find any other way except to stay away from your life . I just hope you don't get me wrong . I don't hate you and neither do i have any grudge against you . I just feel that it's the best for both of us . Maybe after my heart is fully healed then i'll get back to you .

; 'N' level is going to be over tmrrw .
planning to go to school for course then after course , go to work .
that'll be almost my daily routine from 14 oct to 23 oct .
after 23 oct , work and work and work .

; hoping for a change in him .

2009-08-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

PENS AND PAPERS .

I don't really care what people thinks or say about me . Maybe i do but certain things , i just can't be bothered . I can be nice but people can't expect me to be nice to everyone right . It's not like i have a choice or something . We started as being friends . I never thought you'll end up having feelings for me . Even if it's just a small feelings , it does matters . When you confessed to me , i couldn't say anything . But how can it be possible for me to be friends with you again when i don't feel comfortable ? I simply don't like it whenever you try to seek attention from me . I may be nice but it doesn't mean i won't hurt you . I guess i have to be straightforward . It's good that i hurt you now then later on . For the time being , i don't feel that there's a need for us to be closed friends .

I just can't express my feelings through words . I can only express it through pens and papers . You may think i'm not serious or whatever shit but seriously , i am . It's going to be one year but still , that feelings is still inside my heart . It just won't go away and i'm wondering why . What more can i say ? Basically , nothing . All i hoped for is a miracle to happen . Now , my mind is full of things . I just don't know what to do . I've expressed my feelings and it's up to you now .I can't force you and i won't pester you either . I don't mind us being friends but if you're going to avoid me then things will start to change for the bad . I don't know whether i should move on or wait for you . Either one , i'll still get hurt . But what if i say i'm not scared ? What if i say i'm much more happier being with you despite all the pain ? I keep on thinking about you and it makes me miss you even more . But how am i suppose to know what's in your heart ? I'm clueless , seriously . I know time is running out but i've tried my best . I'll just have to wait for 13th october and i hope you'll make it .

I don't think i want to regard you as my friend . What does friends means ? Basically , friends should be there when you need them . Friends should bother to ask you whether you're okay or not . Friends should try their best to text you no matter how busy they are . Friends should make you happy almost all the time . Friends should understand what's in your heart . Friends should know whether you're feeling down or whatsoever . Well , you can say that we're friends but the thing is , you're not treating me like one . You say we're just friends because you don't like being too closed because you say like flirt . Up to you laa kan . There's nothing else i can say . I'm tired of trying to convince people . I just can't be bothered .

Maybe it's you all this while .

2009-08-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY KHAIRIL !

legal age laa seyh . hahaha . well , wish you all the best in everything that you do . smiles (:

childhood memories .

Sometimes , i do miss my childhood memories . Times seems to pass by so fast . How i wished i could turn back the time , i'll be very happy . Perhaps if it happens , i'll be able to change certain things . But then , i still love things the way they are now . Except for certain things . I don't like people telling me that they like me or whatsoever cause i don't want to hurt people anymore . I don't want to feel hurt anymore . Well , i know i'm being kinda unfair but i just want to live my life . I don't want to be in a relationship and get myself hurt for nothing , simply nothing . I don't regret for whatever that has happened . What's the point of regretting over things that has happened . It only makes myself feel bad . In fact , i shouldn't be regretting because things happen for a reason . Maybe there's something behind all this . Anw , now i and him are just friends . I'm glad that we can still be friends cause to me , friendships means more than relationship . Well , i've moved on and so , i don't want to think about the past . I just want to continue with my life because there's still a long way to go . All i can do is to be there for him when he needs me . But i'm sure that he'll do just fine .

For the time being , i don't wish to meet someone . Well , i do treat him as a friend but nothing more than that . I don't want to have any misunderstanding between the two of us . And i don't want him to like me cause i don't wish to spoil this friendship . I admit i'm trying my best to avoid him cause i don't want him to be too close to me . I don't want him to have the wrong thinking . I don't have any feelings for him , that's the only thing that i want to make it clear to him . I don't like it when he tries to seek attention from me . I know he'll be reading my blog so i hope he understands if i avoid him .

Currently i miss my bestie . Wondering why he hasn't been replying my msgs . Well , he seems to know everything . I don't why he's so special to me . Only he understands me inside out . He's able to bear with all my craps and nonsense . Having him around makes my day more cheerful and happier . I don't know what he did that made me get glued to him . Seriously , i don't . But i really want to know what's in his heart . Eventhough he's hurt me so much , i'm nort mad at him . Not even a little . Amazing huh . Well , maybe because he's special . I really love this friendship . I don't want to lose him . He really make me happy because he allows me to disturb him . I can even be sarcastic to him .

Somehow , i miss the past . Both friendship and relationship . Things just seem to be different . People started changing . Things started to go wrong . All those memories , sometimes flashes through my mind . Thinking about it , i feel so useless . It's like i'm only able to look at all those things happening but i'm not able to do anything about it . I know that i'm always being too king to people . Even my closest friends said so . But that's me . No matter how much i try to be angry with someone , it can only last for 3 days . Even if i don't talk to him or her for a week or more than that , it's because my heart doesn't want to and not cause i'm angry with him or her . It's a sad thing that only a bunch of people are able to appreciate my kindness instead of taking advantage of it . It makes me feel so weak . I don't think i can bear it if another person comes and take advantage of my kindness . I just don't know why i'm like this . Maybe i'm born to have a heart like this . No wonder Afiq calls me 'kampung girl' cause i'm a nice girl . Well , maybe to him i'm a kampung girl . But i don't know if i'm a kampung girl to the people out there . Different people have their own opinions about me . One thing about me is that i can't stop trusting people . Even if they've never been truthful to me , not even once , i can still continue to believe that person . Well , this is who i am . I believe that everyone deserves a second chance . It doesn't matter how bad or good they were before . It's the things that the person do that makes him or her someone different . Everyone have a heart and a brain . Everyone have their own strength and weaknessess . Nobody is perfect . Thus , we should appreciate a person for who they are .

I miss my bestie .

2009-08-12T03:33:00.000-07:00

PAPERHEARTS.

I've finally awaken from this dream of mine. I couldn't think of any other way but to stop contacting you. But i know that you'll find for me one day. Just on a particular day when you really need me. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. You say that you're jealous when you see me with other guys. Well, so am i. I'm jealous too when i see you with other girls but what can i possibly do. You're not my boyf. You're just a friend of mine, bestfriend i mean. It's sad that we don't seem to get along well anymore. I would get angry or mad. I'll just go with the flow because i'm sick and tired of trying to make things better but people don't seem to appreciate. Instead they blame it on me. Go on, live your life. I'm not going to stop your way. But if you find me being rude to you, don't say so because for the past 2 years, i've been nice to you but you don't seem to appreciate. I just wonder why when i'm being nice, people don't seem to notice but when i'm being harsh or rude, people will tend to notice. I don't want to have any hopes in you anymore because i don't want to get hurt. I just want to live my life and be happy with my loved ones. I want to treasure and cherish every moment before it's gone. I don't want to regret it later on. Now, there's only two things on my mind. To be friends with you or to stay away from you for the time being. Hmm, i really don't know. It seems so hard for me to decide. Maybe i should just go with the flow. Well, time is running out. If i have to make a move , i think i better make it now cause i don't have much time. I won't say that i'm angry or mad at you because truthfully, i'm not. In fact, why should i be mad at you. I guess i just need time to get over my feelings towards you.

Today had maths paper 2 and history paper.
Maths paper 2 was quite okay , i guess.
But for me, history was abit better because i studied for it.
Well , not really studied laa but i did remember a few factors.
And that helps me to answer one of the essay.
Paper ended at 12.25pm .
Went to mcdonald's and started doing my DNT cause i had to pass it up by today at 4pm.
Afiq was talking nonsense the whole time but i wasn't bothered by him.
I was really concentrating on my DNT.
Dinah was his victim.
She had to entertain all his craps and nonsense.
Tomorrow have DNT paper and it ends at 9.30am .
I don't know what to study for the paper but i hope i can do the paper.

clueless and going dumb .

2009-08-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

TRYING REAL HARD .

These few days, pictures of you run through my mind. It's like i could only think of you. For a moment, i thought the world stop moving. But it was my mind that's spinning round and round. I couldn't get you out of my mind. I texted you and waited for your reply but i didn't receive any. Maybe you're no longer the person that i used to know 2 years back. Is it me who doesn't seem to recognise you or is it you who doesn't seem to recognise me ? Well, i've tried my best. I tired moving on but it's just so hard. Thoughts of you keep playing in my mind. I can even go daydreaming about you. Sometimes, tears can run down my cheeks while i'm thinking about you. How much more sad can i get. Seriously, i'm clueless. I thought i managed to forget about you and move on by treating you just as a friend and nort more than that. But when he did that to me, i came to think of you. I thought he would treat me much better than you but i guess i was wrong. He doesn't seem to understand me at all. How hurt can it get. I tried my best to understand him but it didn't turn out well. In fact, i get the blame. Everything is my fault. I can't do this, i can't do that but he can. It's just not fair. Those words that he promised me, it's all just plain empty words. Right from the start, i knew all this would happen but i tried to throw that thought away. I didn't want my thoughts to take the best of me. But then, i allowed him to control me and bring me down. Now, it's hard for me to get up again. I admit i miss you but what can i possibly do. I guess you no longer care. I know that if i don't make the effort to text you, you'll slowly forget about me without you noticing it. I make the effort but still, you don't bother to reply. Maybe i mean nothing to you. But if that is the case, then why everytime i have someone else, you'll come finding for me. But when i need you, you'll go away, trying to avoid me. I simply don't understand you. I don't even know what you want from me. Can't i be happy too ? Can't i enjoy life too ? I just wish i didn't took that step. Now, i have to start all over again. But you're not there for me, not even as a friend. Sometimes i wonder, will i ever get to be with you again. I know i shouldn't be thinking about it but i just miss you. One day, you'll surely forget about me, even as a friend. Even now, you don't seem to notice me. Will i be invisible to you soon ? Or maybe i already am. You want me to go to sec 5 but the thing is, i've decided not to contact you after my 'N' level. So, even if i go to sec 5, i won't contact you anymore. I've already told you since the start of January and now, you're saying that who doesn't want to contact who. So, what do you expect me to do ? Take back my words ? Even if i take back my words, will it make a difference if you still don't reply to my messages. It doesn't right. I told you over the phone that i'll treat you to a movie after my 'N' level. I'll keep to my words and i hope you do too because everytime i ask you out, you say you can make it but in the end, you cannot make it. I guess i should be moving on now. I can't get stucked here. I have to take a step forward to discover new things. Either one of us will have to make a move and so, i've decided to make the move. I don't wish to forget about you but i have to. I'll still treat you as a friend but only after i've managed to fully let go of my feelings towards you.

Now, i seem to understand everything. Your words, it all meant nothing. Simply nothing at all. You don't seem to care for what's in my heart. You only know how to compare but never to understand. You always say i'm talking nonsense. For your info, i didn't talk nonsense. It's real cause my heart knows that it's going to happen. My heart never fails. Whatever my heart says, it's always right. You say your heart can tell you things even before they happen. Well so can my heart. But it's proven that mine is stronger than yours because your predictions weren't right like mine. So if one day you come to realise your mistakes and start to have that guilt in your heart, don't bother finding for me. You said that we can still be closed friends but i know we won't and it really turn out that we're not cause we're not even friends so how can we possibly be closed friends. Just because you have someone else that you can rely on, you forget about me. You don't even care if i'm there or not. Go on, go your own way. I'm not stopping you. In fact, i've never stopped you from doing what you want to do. So don't say i'm being unfair. I've never compared you to anyone. It's you who loves to compare. You just can't accept the fact that different people leads a different kind of relationship. Well, i have a little advice for you. Treat people the way you want to be treated and stop comparing cause it may hurt others. Don't tell people what they can do and what they cannot do because it's their life. Even if that person is your girlfriend, you can't possibly stop her from messaging other guys when you yourself is messaging other girls. Reflect yourself in the mirror before reflecting others. And please , learn to understand others.

So sick of all this pain .

2009-08-05T03:13:00.000-07:00

A STEP FORWARD , LEADING TO SOMETHING NEW .

hopes are hopes .
wishes are wishes .
dreams are dreams .
if only i am able to rewind back th time , i would stop all this from happening .
why did you have to ask me that qn .
why cnt we just continue being frends , then i bet it won't turn out this way .
things are different now .
you dnt even care whether i'm your frend or nort .
you promised me lots of things but you never did mean it .
its all just words , plain empty words .
all you knw is to compare & nort care for wht's in my heart .
whenever i let out my feelings , you blamed me instead of understanding wht's in my heart .
maybe its my fault , maybe i've hurt you or offended you but you dnt have to hurt me this way .
how much it hurts , you dnt knw cause you never care to knw .
i thot you're much more betta than him but you prove me wrong .
now , wht more cn i say .
i admit it hurts but i'll get over it pretty soon .

school was suckish today .
had SS & maths prelim paper one .
SS was effing suckish .
i didn't have time to finish th paper .
idk why i was doing th paper so damn slow .
my mind was working so slowly . DAMN .
maths paper one wasn't good either , didn't have time to finish th paper either .
but luckily my calculator didn't get on my nerves .
i bet i won't make it , hell yeah .
aft paper , went to mcdonald's with dinah & lily .
met afiq & th others there .
th others went home & afiq joined us .
& guess wht , we talked crap man .
we laughed our hearts out siaa .
afiq was so damn funny .
he talked bout his godbrother .
& walaoweii , afiq like gay siol .
OMG , hahah .
we had our own school name .
mine was CAMPBELL SOUP PRIMARY SCHOOL .
lily's was "CERET BERET" PRIMARY SCHOOL .
dinah's was CRANBERRY PRIMARY SCHOOL .
lily's one was damn awful siaa .
lily kene rabakk gile siots , takleyh angs .

seriously , i need something refreshing .

2009-06-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

NEW CHAPTERS , OLD MEMORIES .

it's been a long time since i update .
i'm lazy to even switch on the laptop .
but since i've nothing to do right now , might as well i update .
well , i've been missing these people lately ; Dinah , Sasha , Syikin , Afiq , Akmal .
i can't seem to contact dinah .
she's nort replying my msgs ; prepaid low kot .
hmmph , it's been awhile since i last met her .
is she still the same old dinah or has she changed ?
she asked me to teach her cause she needs to catch up with her studies .
as usual , she missed the lessons during the first two weeks of the holidays .
but when i text her , she doesn't seem to reply .
i'm trying to help her but she's nort making an effort .
she's busy with her dance prac & wht am i to do ?
if she really wants to study , she'll come find for me & nort i find for her .
if i say that she's changed , will she be able to accept it ?
she's no longer the dinah that i knew the last time .
she's so much into dance than studies .
i barely see her outside , only in school .
i really miss the old dinah .

memories of the past kept playing in my mind .
nort just relationships but friendships as well .
i know i can't turn back the time .
what's done cannot be undone .
it's too late now .
all i can do is learn from past mistakes & move on .
i'm glad those fights have ended .
i did lose a frend but i hope she will realise her mistakes .
eventhough abdul already realised his mistakes , i can see his changes .
he no longer treats me the same way as he treated me the last time .
things changes & people changes too .
as for akmal , he's now my bestie once again .
i'm happy for him , i really am .
well , he's found someone now .
i can tell that he loves her very much .
i hope he'll last long with her .
i'm glad that i'm over him .
eventhough we're bestfrends now , i know that things won't be the same again .
he's changed ; betta or nort , i'm nort shure .
but still , i'm happy that he's my bestie .

new chapters has indeed open in my life .
i love my bby very very much .
eventhough we may quarrel at times , i know that things are going to be alright .
he understands me & i really appreciate that .
all i want is to see him happy every minute .
i know that i'm nort able to be there for him 24 hrs a day but by msging him , that's how i show that i care .
he may nort know it but deep inside my heart , i don't ever want to let him go .
when he stepped into my life , i feel what happiness is .
& i don't want it to end here .
if only i can open my mouth to say that i love him , wouldn't that be wonderful .
but i just don't dare eventhough he's my boyfiee .
i need time , i guess .
but these few days , something is just nort right .
maybe it's just a feeling , i don't know .
but it's been nearly a week since i last get to sleep well .
i've been tossing & turning in bed .
something is running through my mind but i can't figure out what is it .
i hope things will turn out alright .

labels : i miss bby .

2009-05-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

FIGHTS & ARGUMENTS .

let's make it clear here .
who are you to judge me & my frends ?
go on , blog bout me all you want .
i don't forking care .
come on laa , i can't accept the fact or is it you who can't accept the fact ?
face it , it's reality laa girl .
fyi , i'm nort the type of person who speaks without evidence .
you're the one who doesn't know anything so don't tell me to shut up my mouth .
i'm nort like you , i gort sources .
you've changed ? LOL !
you changed only for awhile & then you became your oldself once again .
people don't want to give you a second chance of changing ?
it's a pity isn't it ?
bile si abdul tuh suke pt kaw , kaw skit pon tak pandang die .
abeyh bile die ngan lily , kaw aleh-aleh suke die .
eh ! pleasee laa eyh . tak mau bbl mepek .
& kaw nak ckp aku pompan tak laku ? LOL !
klao tak tahu pape , tak mau nak ckp .
tak mau confident sgt uh girl .
& so what klao die tknk aku alek ?
does it mean that aku nie pompan murah ?
you seriously gort to be kidding me .
aku tak cukop kaseh sayang & perangai mcm bdk-bdk kecik ?
eh ! come on laa . at least aku nie jauh lebih baik dari kaw .
agknye kaw terlalu byk kaseh sayang sampai kaw jadi rosak .
i'm a good girl ? well , yes i am .
but it's a sad thing that you & abdul don't know the real me .
i can't be nice to you if you're nice to me .
but i won't hesitate to confront you if you treat me like i'm a piece of a shit .
just cause i'm small , you think i don't dare to slap you ?
well , bring it on girl .
we'll see who's scared of who .
you think you're so pretty that's why my brother was attracted to you .
OMG ! you're so the perasaan .
go look in the mirror & see who you are first .
tak mau nak bbl step mane punye faham je .
go on , go with that abdul .
nobody is going to be jealous of you anyway .
you're nort any popular girl or whatsoever .
even your own classmate doesn't want to entertain you .
who would want to entertain your behaviour anyway ?
seriously , i really pity you laa girl .

2009-05-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

IT'S OVER .

YANEEY :
i lied to you about my feelings ?
i didn't .
& even if i did , why should you be hurt .
i should be the one who's hurt .
hurt by all your words .
i know that you & farahin don't like him .
but so what ?
is it wrong for me to be in love with him ?
he has his reasons for hurting me .
if you guys don't know anything , just shut your mouth up .
& don't try to tell me what i should do & whether he's the right one for me or nort .
no matter how much he hurt me , i'm still happy .
so what's the problem with you guys ?
& yah , its true that i did like someone else .
fyi , i like that someone nort as a rebound guy .
but its for real .
i kept the feeling for akmal cause of you guys .
i'm hurt by all of you guys' words .
do you guys even care about my feelings ?
go on , you guys can hate him all you want .
no matter what , i'll stand up for him .
mark my words .
enough is enough .
for how long will i be hurt ?
for how long will i think of other people's happiness instead of mine ?
i also want to be happy .
i also want to live my life like others .
for goodness' sake , just leave me alone .

labels : unexpected outcome & it's over .

2009-05-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

HURTFUL .

why is all this happening to me ?
why is it me who gets all the blame ?
what's my fault anw ?
heard of the word friends ?
i bet it should be wonderful to have friends , right ?
having friends is wonderful but trying to find true friends ain't that easy .
if i regard them as a sister , what do they regard me as ?
i've changed alot ; maybe .
what if i say this is who i really am ?
will they be able to accept me for who i am ?
i've been pretending to be happy cause i don't want them to worry bout me .
maybe they don't see the inner side of me .
i guess they don't understand me after all .
i started it all ? hell yeah .
i guess i did .
but then it didn't fight with them .
i just didn't feel like talking to me .
whenever i tried to , it's like my heart is stopping me from doing so .
i make faces at her ?
if they didn't make faces at me , i wouldn't have make faces at them .
go on , put the blame on me all you guys want .
it's nort going to affect me .

my bestie ; akmal .
i know that things ain't right .
somehow , i feel like you're going to avoid & ignore me .
things have been nice & wonderful with you around .
i don't know why but this time , my heart isn't giving me the confidence .
i know i've hurt you in the past but we can start anew , can't we ?
i admit that i still have feelings for me .
okay , it's love .
i still love you but i can't force you to love me if you don't .
all those captured moments , it kept playing in my mind .
every night , i cry for you .
i don't want you to suffer .
i don't want you to feel hurt .
i won't let you go through any pain .
if you have to , i'll be with you through it all .
i don't know if i'll get another chance to be with you .
but if i do ,
i promise to treat you betta .
i promise to make you happy always .
i promise nort to make you shed any tears .
i promise to be there for you .
i promise to stand up for you .
& lastly , i promise to love you sincerely .
will 11 may be a day that i get my happiness back ?
i wish so .
i know i can't be a perfect gf for him .
nobody is perfect .
but i wish to be the best for him .
forgive me for the mistakes that i've done .

labels : waiting for a miracle to happen & i love him .

2009-04-03T05:29:00.000-07:00

wondering & day dreaming .
nothing seems right .
everything's going the other way round .
things are getting bad , i guess .
but at least , i still have my frends .
or maybe nort .
currently sad & moody .
trying real hard to be happy once again .
i ain't shure why i have this feeling in me .
but i hope its nort true .
my heart is sincere , seriously .
but what can i do ?
i'm just helpless .
if only i can know what's in your heart , then it'll be much more easier .
can't get you out of my head .
seeing you makes me go mad .
wth . i'm in love , i suppose .
ain't shure what to do now .
can't think & can't decide .
holding on to only one wish .
grant it & i'll be the happiest girl .
never thought both of you would change .
i just wanna know why both of you are acting this way ?
is it my fault ?
or what ?
both of you speak as you wish .
& you guys act kinda weird , somehow .
you guys don't care bout my feelings .
why ?
what's my fault ?
i thought we're frends .
or even betta , sisters .
but why all this ?
hmm .. nothing more to say .
just hoping everything will be back to normal .

2009-03-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

THOUGHTS & FEELINGS .
ain't shure bout what to do .
my mind is full of things .
problems i mean .
wanting to give up but guess i have to stay strong .
mustn't let all this bring me down .
people are counting on me .
now , everything's much more clearer to me .
we are able to move on .
we don't need each other , do we ?
you love someone else & so do i .
every good things have to come to an end .
& therefore , i'm ending it .
i don't want to a part of your sadness , nort even your happiness .
from now on , i'll treat you only as a frend & nothing more .
i won't meet you unless its necessary .
i'll only text you when i feel like it .
you yourself know that i don't deserve all this .
but yet , you don't bother .
if you don't bother , i also can't be bothered .
hurt me all you want cause it won't have any effect on me .
i'm strong even without you by my side .
i have my frends who supports me .
& with their support , i'm getting stronger to overcome anything .
never have i wanted all this to happen .
i knew that one day , you'll go .
but then , i didn't expect it to happen .
i'm glad that its over now .

i miss you , i really do .
2 days you didn't reply my msg .
perhaps you're busy .
but i hope , you'll text me soon enough .
everytime when i see you , it makes me happy .
i don't know what makes me like you but you''re special .
very special indeed .
if only i am given that chance to have you , i'll be very happy .

DINAH :
thanks for everything that you've done for me .
i know i could count on you .
5 years of friendship & still counting .
things have been great with you around me .
those happiness & even sadness that we've been through together will always be in my mind .
if i've nort been a good frend to you , please forgive me .
i know i've been acting kinda weird lately .
but i just don't know what to do .
don't worry , i'll be alright soon enough .

ABDUL:
you're like a big brother to me .
you never fail to make me happy .
thanks for all the treats .
i owe you lots , i know that .

just now , went to west coast plaza to see groove in the west .
there were 40 dance groups .
but only 20 are in for the semi-finals which will be held on 11 april .
to fifth ignition : eventhough you guys didn't get into the semi-finals ,
i knew you guys did your best .
GOOD JOB !
around 5.30pm , went off to meet my parents at outram .
they wanted to go shopping at mustafa centre .
i bought a nike shirt & nike waterbottle .
dad wanted to go to bugis but didn't have the time .
so , tmrrw i'll be going to bugis .
okay , done .

2009-03-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

NO PICTURE FOR TODAY .

ain't shure what's going on with me today .
i was able to concentrate & do my work only during D&T lesson .
the rest ; my mind was flying away .
kept staring into space .
i even kept quiet even when the others made jokes , which i usually join them but today i didn't .
nort shure why .
i was distracted , seriously .
one minute my mind will be with the others .
& another minute my mind will be away .
like within a snap or even less .
didn't have the mood to joke around or have fun .
my mind was thinking bout something but ain't shure what it was
mawning started as per normal .
except for dinah is early today .
& guess what .
she doesn't even recognise me .
i was the same , as per normal .
the only different thing bout me was that i was wearing specs .
abdul's specs i mean which doesn't have any degree .
wearing just for fun i guess .
she thought i was the girl she always see every mawning who's from hillgrove .
she said from far , i look like i rebond my hair .
well , i wish i could .
but i don't have the money now .
perhaps soon .
& i was like just a few metres from her .
first period was supposed to be SS then followed by maths .
but there was house meeting .
so it means no SS & maths period .
won't elaborate more on house meeting .
D&T lesson was okay .
after two period of D&T , it was time for recess .
went down to the canteen as usual & sat at the seat where i could see him .
i decided to eat briyani today but was suddenly full .
saw him & my frends were kinda smiling away .
oh my god , can't stop thinking of him even until now .
missing him cause its been 4 days since we text .
his prepaid is low .
hope he'll top up soon .
after school , went to mac .
yaneey & farahin stayed for awhile only cause they wanted to go out
i mean yaneey wanted to go cut her hair .
so it was left with me , dinah , abdul & nasrul .
i was effing hungry & so was dinah .
abdul treated me cause i asked him to .
thanks brother for the treat .
i ordered double cheeseburger meal , like always .
while abdul & dinah ordered mcspicy meal .
abdul didn't eat until finish .
he & nasrul left while dinah & me was still eating .
i was slow , much much slower than dinah .
it was supposed to be dinah who's always the slowest .
but today , it was me .
i didn't finish eating my double cheeseburger .
i was alrdy full .
i was actually hoping that he'll come to mac.
& just then , he came .
i was happy , seriously i was .
currently excited to see yaneey's hair tmrrw .
farahin told me that yaneey cut bob .
so , let's see the outcome tmrrw .

2009-03-24T06:19:00.001-07:00

thinking bout what's going to happen next .
wondering if something good is going to happen .
or maybe the opposite .
ain't shure bout it .
but there's nothing i can possibly do .
just waiting for the answers to be revealed .
wishing that he would understand my feelings .
i ain't strong to go through all this pain for any longer .
a deep cut was left in my heart when he left me all alone .
at that moment , i didn't know what to do .
he made me all confused .
no words .
nothing at all to tell me where did i went wrong .
i tried to reach him every single day .
but to no avail .
he ignored me like he never did knew me .
when i was able to move on , he came back into my life .
just for one week & then he started to apart from me bit by bit .
nothing hurts more than knowing that he actually played timer .
forking shit .
i get all forked up cause whenever i want to move on ,
he'll come back into my life .
its like as if he knows !
oh god , what did i do to deserve all this ?
i'm pretty shure that i had treated him nicely .
or maybe its cause i'm being too nice to him that's why he's taking it for granted .
i've tried my best .
but nothing's working .
i've lose hope , that's for shure .
being frends may be betta than strangers .
but sometimes , acting like strangers can be useful .
i took the risk in wanting to act like i never knew him cause ,
whenever i see him with her , it hurts .
maybe its betta this way .
i bet he'll be much more happier .
i was just someone to guide & love him .
i wasn't someone that was meant for him .
i'm glad that he's able to live his life with happiness .
while me ,
i'm still stucked here , trying to overcome all this .
my heart will be healed soon enough .

ain't shure if i have the confidence .
but i'm shure that you're the one .
you're the superman that i've been waiting for .
those smile of yours & those laughter of yours .
every bit of it just brings happiness to me .
you brought a smile to my face .
seeing you brightens up my day .
all i have is hope .
but i'm trying my best nort to put too high hopes on you .
cause i know that i might get hurt in the end .
just one wish .
hope you'll make my wish a dream come true .

2009-03-23T04:14:00.000-07:00

love or just random feeling ?
FORKING SHIT !
i don't know what's up with me .
ain't being myself lately .
angered .
hurt .
sad .
& stuffs .
it just makes me feel all worn out .
finding answers to questions in my mind .
leading me to uncertainty .
trying to sort things out .
hope things will turn out right .
can no longer hold back the tears .
just waiting for time to tell it all .
ain't gonna regret the decision that i've made .
feeling down but yet staying strong .
ain't gonna let all this thing pull me back .
filled with anger but nort wanting to let it out .
all those happy moments &
all those times are meant to be kept as memories .
nort wanting to let all that hurt me even more .
just want the best for him .
bygones are bygones .
no point regretting .
always look ahead .
& everything happens for a reason .
wishing him good luck & hope he'll be happy always .
takecare my dear frend .
suddenly felt this feeling that i never felt before .
going crazy over it .
a crush .
or perhaps more to love .
couldn't stop thinking bout it .
but trying to overcome it .
can't possibly do anything except to go with the flow .
never thot i'll get serious bout it .
but maybe i am after all .
thinking to myself every night .
wondering if its for real or nort .
this time , i'm pretty shure that its for real .
even then , i feel scared .
i don't wish to go through all this again .
i just wanna be free & happy .
i don't want to let all this stupid stuffs stop me from getting on with my life .
i admit i have my own weaknesses like everyone have .
how to overcome it ; still figuring .
life has its ups & downs .
sometimes in life , we don't always get what we want .
if we want something , we have to go get it .
we have to put our heart & soul into something if we want the best out of it .
talking bout the past may hurt but sometimes , it can be quite a memorable one indeed .
we may fight , argue & stuffs .
but through all this fights & arguments , that's when we bond together as one .
understanding one another might be hard .
but trying to keep one another is harder .
learn to listen .
& appreciate one another .
currently missing those past times .
wish i could turn back the time .
but its too late now .
nothing that i do will make things betta for me & him .

2009-03-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

17 march , movie outing .

Dee & Fidd .

My Lovely Heartbeats .

Featuring abdul .
Thanks for all the treats .

Stupid faces .

WEEE !

Look at dinah's face .

Omg . My face suckish man .

17 march movie outing was fun .
we went to watch race to witch mountain .
the movie isn't that great .
there's this one so called alien & i'm scared whenever it appears .
i know its just a movie but so what , i don't care .
i thot that the whole outing would turn out to be a memorable & exciting one ,
but it turn out to be a sad outing for me .
didn't expect to fight with bestie , faraheen .
it wasn't my fault anw .
i did nothing wrong , i'm pretty shure bout that .
i was suppose to visit my grandfather who's very sick .
she told me to go visit my grandfather another time & ask me to follow them .
fine , i agreed to follow them .
but in the end , i ended up fighting with her .
& tears just kept rolling down my cheeks .
overall , everything was alright .
thanks for all the treats abdul .
i owe you lots .

For Faraheen .

i don't know the reason why you've changed ,
but i want you to know that i miss the old faraheen .
you used to care but now , you don't .
you used to appreciate but now , you don't .
whenever you don't have the mood , you show your tantrum at others who did nothing wrong .
you only think for yourself .
when you're tired , you don't care whether others are tired or nort .
you can talk bout the guys that you like but we can't talk bout the guys that we like .
you say & talk as you pleased without even caring bout our feelings .
i treat you as my bestie , that's why i didn't point out your mistakes .
another reason is that i don't want to hurt you .
if you're really my frend ,
you'll understand what's in my heart .
you'll know what i feel .
you'll understand how much it hurts trying to forget bout the person that i love so much .
& lastly , you want me to be happy .

nothing betta to do so camwhore .
things are much betta now , perhaps for me .
trying real hard to forget bout him .
moving on & staying strong .
laugh & smile always .
FORKING SHIT !
totally hate this guy by the name of rafiq .
i can do what i want to do & you don't tell me what i should do .
who do you think you are ?
say that you gort taste , well why bother msging me in the first place .
i don't forking know you & i don't wish to get to know you betta .
fyi , i don't entertain this kind of guys .
get lost & get a life man .

2009-02-28T02:16:00.000-08:00

LOSING HOPE BUT STAYING STRONG .
just waiting for th right time to come .
i can wish for anything but god decides it .
each day , i hope things would get betta than th day before .
nothing seems right .
i can wait but for how long ?
oh god , make my wish come true .
nobody knows what's inside my heart .
just too much questions are in my mind .
currently , i just feel like giving up .
i've been cracking my brain to think bout what i've done wrong that actually hurt pple .
maybe im bad or even worse , maybe im evil .
but inside my heart , i knew i have to stay strong .
i've to face all these challenges .
i dont wish to be haunt by th past .
i dont wish to get all stucked .
i just wanna live my life like i've always do .
but something is stopping me .
what is it , i dont know .
when i look in th mirror , i'll laugh , thinking of how foolish i am .
whenever i feel kinda down , i try to bring myself up .
sometimes im pretending to be happy but actually im nort .
im just trying real hard to smile .
i tried to go on with life without thinking bout th past .
but then , you came back & bring me down once again .
i dont deserve all this , i simply dont .
thorns are poking thru my heart .
how painful it is , only i know .
actually , we dont have to do it this way .
i wanna solve it in a nicer way but you dont want .
& you're saying i dont care .
who doesnt care ? me or you ?
well , its all proven now .
no matter how hard i try to be frends with you , it wont work .
you have your own way of thinking & i have mine .
we just wont be able to understand one another .
or maybe its you who just dont understand me .
what i've done for you , you never did appreciate .
say that you've been truthful to me for at least once , oh pleasee dont .
i know you cant fight me back , my frend .
i dont wish to argue with you but i just want to clear things up .
dont go around making up stories bout me .
dont tell lies , for goodness sake la eyh .
i can give you a bad name but i choose nort to .
i dont want to create any scene .
let me live my life & i'll let you live yours .

just another bad day of mine .
my heart is in pain but i just cant let out what's in my heart .
only in this blog is where i express my feelings .
love , friendship , hate , joy , happiness , sadness , fun , boring & stuffs .
i cant do much bout it .
whatever is going to happen , im prepared to accept it .
but im scared .
will i go thru another bad dream ?
or will it be a sweet dream this time round ?
i guess i'll just have to pray hard .
all th memories are still fresh in my mind .
i cant do anything but to treasure it .
it was nice knowing all of you though its only for a short period of time .
each one of you have brought something in my life .
be it good or bad , i really appreciate it .
now , its too late .
those times have gone by .
no point regretting .
instead , we should be thankful for every bit of it .

my heart is in pain .
i dont know what's going to happen next .
but for all i know , i can be a bad or a good thing .
with each effort i try to make things betta , it just hurts .
pichares of those memories just kept playing my mind like a song playing on th radio .
it just kept on repeating .
now , i get th clear pichare .
maybe it was all just a game .
i know i have to go on & try to be happy as much as i can .
i cant let all this stop me from doing what i wanna do .
its my life & i can do what i want .
i've never stop you so you cant stop me .
we're nort even frends , i guess .
so , you shouldnt be interfering in my life .
i know myself well .
i dont pick up fights with pple unless they do something wrong .
for me , i dont wish to have any enemies cause i know that it brings me to nowhere .
but if you force me to then i have no choice .
when i love someone , be it a frend or whatsoever , i appreciate what they do for me , be it small things .
but if i dont like someone , i wont bother what they wanna do .
they can create stories bout me & they can make stupid lies bout me but it wont bring them far .
im nort that type of person who get so stressed up bout all these lies .
in fact , i dont even give a damn bout it .
judge me all you want cause for all i know , im just going to prove you wrong .
true love & friendship last .
but if its puppy love & some pathetic friendship , it wont last long .

2009-02-22T00:25:00.000-08:00

I just wish i could have you for much longer .
But i know i cant .
You belong to someone else now .
I dont know what else to do .
My heart is in pain .
It hurts alot , hell yeaah .
I aint strong anymore .
With each step that i try to let you go , it hurts .
Oh boy , im so sorry that all this have to happen .
If only i could rewind back the time , i'll treasure each & every moment with you .
I dont even know if i could get another chance to be with you .
Im getting all fucked up .
All these things are bringing me down but i have to be strong & face it .
Im trying my best to rub away from th past .
I dont wish to get stuck here .
I wanna be happy & enjoy life .
Oh god , show me the path cause im giving up .

Today i went to JURONG BIRD PARK for outing .
It was great fun though tiring .
We played games over there & had KFC for our lunch .
YUMMY huh ?
Well , too tired to talk bout it pple .
Bye .

2009-02-17T20:32:00.000-08:00

I wanna share with you guys bout me "pee-ing" inside the bus .
It was after school & i went to mac to buy double cheeseburger meal as per usual .
After that , i went back to school with syiq .
I put my ice lemon tea inside a plastic bag & put it inside my bag .
I totally forgot bout it .
I board bus 190 to bukit panjang dome .
I was sitting down so i placed my bag on my lap .
Suddenly , i felt something cold flowing down my legs .
Then syiq say , 'Akak .. you pee is it ?'
At that moment , my bag was alrdy wet with ice lemon tea .
OH GOD ! PATHETIC RIGHT ? Gahh !
I totally hate it siaa .
& guess what .. my books & papers are drenched with ice lemon tea .
NICE SMELL baybeh !
Reach the dome alrdy , i quickly emptied my bag .
I spread my books out to dry then .
But then , it rained .
Went to BPP then went home around 8 plus .
Luckily my bag was alrdy dry .
BAD MEMORIES .

I just wish things would get betta .
I cant be sitting & staring into space all the time right ?
STUPID LOVE .
It doesnt bring me happiness but sadness .
But what can i possibly do .
You care for her more than you care for me .
You love her more than you love me .
Maybe all this is just a game i & you played .
Maybe in this game , you fell for me but in reality , you dont .
Those promises kept running in my mind .
Your actions make me dont bother bout you anymore .
Just because of her , you're willing to break my heart .
& all you say is that you're sorry .
OH GOD , YOU GORT TO BE KIDDING ME .
I've come to realise that loving you wont mean anything .
Its best if i leave & let you be happy with her .
From now on , i'll just treat you like you're my brother .
My love for you will be a love of a sister to a brother .
Nort more than that .
I cant make you happy & i cant share the happiness with you .
But if you're sad , i'll go thru the sadness with you .
I wont be beside you but whenever you need me , im shure to help you .
I'll be with you thru it all , i promise .
Well , thanks alot for all the momories .

Good luck .

2009-02-17T05:24:00.000-08:00

Oh god , make things betta for me .
Im confused .I dont know what to do .
Should i hold on or should i let it all go ?
Each day , i'll get hurt without fail .
Who am i to him anyway ?
Just a doll or what ?
Haish .
Im getting weak day by day .
Hopes are left with hopes .
Even if i love you alot , it wont make a difference , wouldnt it ?
Everytime i see you with her , pichares of us kept playing in my mind .
No doubt its still fresh in my mind .
I've no regrets but i just have doubts .
I dont wish to be your toy or your doll .
I just wanna be happy & live my life to the fullest .
Let time heal my heart .
I'll be strong , for shure .
With my frends around me , im shure i can make it thru all this .
Im gonna be just fine , trust me .
All the best & good luck yaww .

2009-02-14T05:01:00.000-08:00

I can't believe you hurt me this far .
What do i mean to you ?
I bet i'm nothing to you .
As i sat alone in my room , tears just kept rolling down my cheeks .
Is it called love when it hurts so much ?
Do i have to sacrifice & give in all the time ?
Its unfair to me , it really is .
Is this what you hope for ?
You're so much different from the first time i met you .
Is it cause of me you've changed ?
If it is , i'm sorry .
I just wish you can be all mine once again .
It hurts alot to see you being with her .
I won't deny how much i love & care for you .
But i guess you still haven't realised it .
Time will tell it all .
You left me after our 1 year & 8 months of relationship .
I text you every single day but you didn't reply me any .
I waited for you for nearly 3 months .
When i was about to give up hope on you , you came back .
I was happy indeed .
My heart was telling me truth .
You'll shurely come back & you really did .
24 january 2009 , th day i got you back .
Those pichares are still kept in my handphone .
But then , a week later , you started to avoid me .
My heart was really in pain .
Every night i cry , hoping that things would change .
You kept secrets from me .
When i get to know that you play timer with hidayah , i was truly hurt .
What did i lack ?
What was my mistake ?
Bby , i care for you but you never did appreciate it .
What more do you want from me ?
At this moment , i felt like giving up .
I just can't get over it .
& now , you're treating me as you wish .
When you need me , you come looking for me .
But when you don't need me , you just ignore me .
Is this what you really want ?
I've always cared for you but you just don't see it .
You're saying that nobody cares for you even if you die .
Well , i do .
But no matter how much i love & care for you , it doesn't make any difference .
You've found someone else .
& i bet she's much more better than me until you're willing to hurt me this much .
I just hope you'll be happy always .
I love you bby .

2009-02-14T01:56:00.000-08:00

DANCE PRAC ONE .
We did have fun .
Looking forward for th next dance prac .

2009-02-09T03:53:00.000-08:00

Hello earthlings .

Its been awhile since i update .
I lazy to update la .
Nothing special happen so wht for bother to update right ?
Well , i've been a little kinda moody these few days .
Lots of sad story indeed .
I have to be strong cause things happens for a reason be it good or bad .
Whatever it is , i won't forget all those memories that i had with him .
Yeaah , it hurts alot but time will heal my heart . I wrote a song for him .

Here it goes :
Ku amat mencintaimu tapi kau pergi meninggalkan diriku ini .
Syg , maafkan la diriku ini kerana tak dapat membuat mu bahagia .
Kenapa kau pergi meninggalkan diriku ? Apakah salahku ?
Kini kau dimiliki dan ku tak mungkin dapat memiliki mu lagi .
Sedihnya hatiku , sakitnya hatiku , tidak kau mengerti .
Manakah janji janjimu ? Manakah dirimu yang dulu ?
Syg , apakah ini yang dimahukan oleh mu ?
Pergi la , jangan kau menyakitiku lagi .
Ku tak sanggup lagi melalui semua ini .
Masa untuk kita bersama telah pun berakhir .
Saat saat indah hanya dapat dikenang .
Janganlah kau merinduiku lagi kerana kau sudah berpunya .
Teruskan la hidup mu tanpa diriku .
Ku pasti kau akan bahagia .
Oh syg , ku tak berdaya untuk melihat mu bersamanya .
Wahai syg , biarkan la ku pergi .
Selamat tinggal .

Yours truly ,
; superfidd .

Memories are left with memories .
He belongs to someone else & i dnt wish to destroy their relationship .
Only time will prove it all to him .
I just hope he'll always be happy .
& im missing someone very th much .